Tuesday, July 24, 2012

On the anniversary of Moms passing.

One yea ago today I received a call that mom had been in a car accident, everything in my mind is still vivid about that day, the sites, the smells, the feelings.
I would write about it again, but I believe what I wrote that day and following are the freshest and best left alone, so I shall move forward to the now.
Since then I have gone thru many emotions, one which is a completely new one is one that people had said would effect me and in a way it did, being an Orphan.
Now it seems kind of silly to think that at 40 years old being an orphan would effect you, but it kind of does.
You are used to having your parents around by then, used to their annoying visits or phone calls telling you something silly, or some crazy Idea only a parent could come up with.
But its not, you reach for the phone still to call them, but they are not there, you lose the one aspect of a parent people really take advantage of, having someone around to take care of stuff when you are gone.
For me its not so much sadness as resentment in mom dying, I always hear her voice resonating in my ears on driving to fast, & wearing your seatbelt so you can arrive at your destination safely. The real irony here is at the time of the accident mom had called a friend maybe a half hour before and was "buzzing along at 80" which was unusual as usually she would say "I am doing just fine at 65".
Speeding may have been irrelevent had she not carried forth an old attitude that frainkly, I would like to see gone in this world, one where the old people magically have more wisdom than someone younger than them.
Mom was not a good driver, she believed she was but simply she was not, and I would tell her that, and as a professional driver I would give her tips, she would shrug them off simply because I was younger and "could not possibly know as much as her" and she would do her thing. .
The conversation I last had with her in person was her insisting on driving from Vegas to Kalispell so many times, and for me it was ridiculous to not fly and take one of my cars when she got here, or to  buy another cheap car and leave it at her home in Kalispell.
"Oh craig I will be just fine"
I would reply in frustration "look mom, we have been thru to much with dad dying, we cannot afford to lose you too, for peace of mind, humor me and take the damn plane"
She didnt, and wouldnt for unkown reasons, and that unfortunately led to where we are today.
People talk about the emotional scars of when people die, and in some cases those do exist, but beyond that at least for me is the process of dealing with the reality of the situation.
Maybe I could grieve if I did not have all their bills, all their problems dumped into my lap, taking away time for sorrow, instead making you simply work thru a problem.
It is a reminder for everyone, have a clean and concise Will, have your monitary affairs dealt with, and do your absolute best to get rid of as much access crap as possible.
The system is not set up for families, the system is set up for bankers and the government, no government or bank has more of a right to your families belongings than you do.
Yes I am a little frustrated thru this all, really I am, I do miss her of course, I respect her wanting to travel all the time, and that of course is something I never discouraged, merely how it was done.
The one good thing about this is to me she is still traveling, and I do sometimes expect her to call.

In that regard my resentment goes away as she was doing what she loved, even if it did irritate me so, it is always best people live their own lives, and it is up to the rest of us, to accept their way, whatever it may be.
Mom is still traveling, buzzing happily about from place to place, while her physical presence is no longer known, her spirt always breathes upon our shoulders and her  musical voice as she sings rings to our ears always. She still sits on the couch laughing to the point of tears as we watch a movie together, and I will always hear her voice get excited over the smallest little things, fondly I will thumb thru all those postcards she sent from somewhere, telling us every little detail of her trip, some relevant, some, well, I just will never know as they were her thoughts :), but it was her, and all her emotions came forth at the stroke of a pen to be carried as if by magic to our mailboxes trying her best to have us share in her adventure.

you are missed mom

A loving Son always.

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